You’re doing so much better than you think. Do you know how well you are doing? Do you understand how superbly you are executing your life? It’s not easy, human-ness: finding the courage day-on-day-on-day to keep on keeping on.
How brave you are to exist, to continue with the thankless task of being alive. Your victories, the small, imperceptible wins, are the things that nobody sees. That you don’t get recognized for. And you do them anyway – the getting out of bed, making your coffee, kissing your loved one even though they’re sick. You get to work on time, make the best choice for your body that you can at lunch, find time to work out before you go home. You juggle friends and family, networking and “you time”. Read a little something, watch a little something. You return the calls and answer the emails and cum and laugh and get really fucking angry and a bit sad and wonder what it is all for and then fall asleep.
You exhaust yourself with it all, and then you rest, and then you get up and do it all again.
And this whole time, as you’re doing what you need to do, you’re running an internal monologue that never.shuts.up.
They don’t like me. I’m so dumb. I can’t do this. They deserve more from me. I deserve more from me! I hate this job. I hate that I hate this job. I hate that I’m too fucking scared and lazy and comfortable to do anything about this job.
I’m gonna start saving more of my paycheck. I’m going to save at least a third of it every month, and then in maybe another year I’ll have enough money to quit. I’ll quit, and I’ll follow my passion… as soon as I figure out what my passion is.
Oh god, I’m getting pizza at lunch. I deserve pizza. And tonight I’m gonna zone out in front of the T.V. and maybe see if *insert name here* wants to come over. We didn’t really hit it off in a like, you know, gonna-get-married-and-have-six-kids kind of way, but I feel lonely and I want a shoulder to rest my head on. Maybe this weekend I’ll see if everyone wants to do something nice. Not just go out and get shit-faced at the bar, but like, maybe I can cook and we’ll have a really chill dinner party like grown-ups and everyone can bring a different course.
I need to book a doctor’s appointment. And a dentist appointment. Basically I need a body M.O.T. and it’s probably going to cost all that money I was going to save.
I need an early night.
I need to exercise more.
Why haven’t they text me back yet?
Oh shit, I’ve got a missed call from Dad. Dad never calls. Oh god, I hope nobody died.
On, and on, and on. Self-doubt. Worry. Second-guessing.
Enough of the permanent state of self-critique because you are enough.
When you drop the ball, you pick it up again. That’s something. You’ve not been beaten yet, kid. You love and you find the slithers of glory and you make plans and you hope.
You do not need medals of honour. A grade for life. You don’t need a new you, a different way, a solution to “fix” you.
You don’t need anything.
You have everything you need.
You *are* everything you need.
That you do this, every day, taking chances where you can and telling your story to your friends and never letting a bit of disappointment stop you from daring next time, is all that your life needs to be.
Give yourself some credit.
You’re doing so much better than you think.