Uh, Hey Dude – Episode 1: Food & Sex

Uh, Hey Dude - Episode 1: Food &  Sex

Uh, Hey Dude – Episode 1: Food & Sex 2:44
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10 MORE Expressions That Really Piss Me Off

Article by Wesley Jansen

Baby with hat on covering its ears

« Back to Part 1, "10 Expressions That Really Piss Me Off"

1. "It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that this quote originated from the Greek philosopher Epictetus. I have nothing against this quote, and I actually agree with it to some degree. However, I do have a problem with people using this phrase when they give advice to others. The harsh reality about advice is that the ones who give it are almost always the ones who are not in the pressure cooker.

Because many people are arrogant and think they have all the answers, receiving advice from someone else is often a painful and insulting process. However, it becomes even worse when the individuals giving the advice begin to quote knowledge from famous dead people who were much smarter than they are. As I’m going to mention again later in slightly different words, quoting famous dead people when you give advice to others does not make you intelligent or enlightened…it makes you a socially cancerous fuck-stick.

Einstein's head exploding into mushroom cloudThis particular quote gets abused in another way as well. If you work at a dead-end job with low pay, bad benefits, and an asshole boss whose very presence almost gives you an ulcer on a daily basis…then chances are you’ve seen this quote hanging on the wall somewhere.

"It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." Yeah, that’s exactly what they want you to think every single day so that you keep coming back to your stressful, worthless job where you have to deal with the rotten public while your rights as a worker and your economic benefits are slowly taken away.

Using famous quotes from historical authors in corrupt and pathetic ways is actually a form of necrophilia. In other words, you are raping the dead.

2. "There’s only one way to learn…and that’s by doing."

Really? Is that what your mother said before she lost her virginity? Please hold on a second while I put down this book about the life and work of Isaac Newton so that I can take a moment to consider this baffling piece of fucking wisdom you’ve just spewed at me.

This is one of the most idiotic and insulting phrases out there, yet it is also one of the most commonly used. What makes this phrase so intolerable is that the person who says it to you is basically assuming that you are a complete and total fucking moron. Apparently before this point in your life, you had absolutely no idea that you have to do something at least a few times in order to become better at it. Thank God this person came along to pull you out of the pit of ignorance that had been your dwelling place for so long.

In a half-way decent world, you would only have to tolerate hearing these words when you’re a child, but unfortunately this phrase is alive and well in the adult world. Usually, you hear it when you are the new guy at some job you didn’t really want but had to take anyway just in order to pay the bills.

You’re going to hear these words numerous times in your life, and sadly there is not really much you can do about it. This phrase is out there, and it’s not going away anytime soon. Like most other things in life, you’re just going to have to bend over and take it.

3. "When things get hard…just put one foot in front of the other."

Well thank you very fucking much, Mr. Einstein. That really helps a lot. You have truly provided the light of all understanding. I have finally received the lamp of truth that will guide my footsteps through every dark and confusing path that comes along as I navigate my way through life. "Putting one foot in front of the other"….WOW! I thought I had this figured out before I reached kindergarten, but apparently I must have forgotten somewhere along the way.

I should probably inform you that I did actually follow this advice word for word when I fucked your girlfriend last weekend. "Something got hard"…so I kept "putting one foot in front of the other"…until I finally reached her apartment building.

How do you like that? You arrogant fuck!

4. "You have to go through Hell to get to Heaven."

Now that I’ve had to sit here and listen to your advice, where the fuck is Heaven?

Any person foolish and self-righteous enough to use these phrases or to offer them as a form of advice should actually try to live by them after something bad happens. Although this phrase isn’t used as often as some of the others, it still deserves negative attention. The main problem with this statement is that it offers false hope. It assumes that horrible suffering will eventually lead to some type of reward….whether it be a new perspective on life, a changed attitude, spiritual enlightenment, a higher appreciation for things you previously took for granted, or some good karma that will come along and bless you for all the pain and unfairness that you had to endure.

This idea sounds great in theory, but it often fails to deliver in the real world. If you really want false hope, then all you have to do is stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you are a beautiful person who deserves wonderful things.

But if you don’t want to bullshit yourself, then there are plenty of reliable sources out there who will confirm that this statement is not exactly accurate. In fact, these same sources will actually inform you of the truth…which is that Hell only leads to more Hell, and the only reward for horrible suffering is more suffering. You probably don’t even need to ask who these reliable sources are because the answer should be pretty obvious by now….

PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR A LIVING!

5. "Things always get worse before they get better."

The phrase "You have to go through Hell to get to Heaven" actually has an older, uglier, more abusive, and extremely violent half-brother… and this is it. While the previous expression actually gives you enough false hope to get through the day, this one simply spits in your face, insults you, and then smashes your head through the windshield of your own car. After it does all of this, it fucks your sister.

You know this phrase is full of shit, but there’s nothing you can do. If you disagree with this statement, it will simply break your arms, push you down on the ground, and then continue to grind your face into the cement.

Anybody who has opened up a history book knows that this phrase simply isn’t true. But like morons who keep electing and re-electing corrupt politicians into office, people keep using this phrase as though it will someday deliver what it promises. Even though it never does, and even though it remains dishonest and false, everyone still stands behind it.

Because people continually refuse to acknowledge the violent, brutal, lying, criminal nature of this expression, it is destined to stay around for a very long time.

6. "Live in the moment."

This amazing, thought-provoking, and extremely profound form of advice is very close friends with its ugly, freckled, buck-toothed, cross-eyed cousin, "Forget about the past." In fact, the two of them are often caught in bed together…despite the fact that they are cousins. As a result of their constant fucking, we have expressions out there such as "Life is short, live it up," "Follow your dreams," "Wherever you are, be there," and numerous other immature, short-sighted, and childish sayings that completely ignore the fact that life can be complicated and that people often have to make difficult choices. These phrases also do not seem to incorporate the fact that most people have to work for a living.

As genetically deformed and pathetic as these phrases are, people still seem to enjoy using them. A reasonable person would assume that these sayings are only used by immature, spoiled teenagers and sports drink commercials; however, grown adults actually use them, too.

People who go around telling others to "Live in the moment" and "Forget about the past" are generally those who have never experienced tragedy or hardship. Either that, or they are in complete denial. Perhaps they are even trying to run away from their problems. Any person who is foolish and self-righteous enough to use these phrases or to offer them as a form of advice to others should actually try to live by them after something bad happens.

Let’s say you accidentally catch your husband while he’s fucking your sister, one of his female co-workers, and the UPS man all at the same time on top of your bed. You happen to walk in just in time to see him pull out of the UPS man, get jerked off by his female co-worker, and then blow his load all over your sister’s face.

Now would be an excellent opportunity for you to "Live in the Moment."

7. "We all make mistakes…you live and you learn."

So, that’s how it works? Really? Well, that finally clears up all of my confusion. In fact, I find it rather interesting that you should tell me this because your mother actually said the same thing last night. She must have been referring to your birth.

8. "You never know until you try."

Wow. This is baffling. All this time I thought I could just sit here and make things happen through telekinesis. Thank God you have come along to show me the error of my ways. Now that I have finally figured out what I’ve been doing wrong all these years, I’m going to put this advice to practical use when I try to seduce your sister.

9. "You will meet someone special someday."

Well thanks a lot, you self-righteous bitch! What the fuck is this supposed to mean, anyway? That I should start riding the short bus? Of all the turn-down lines that women use on men, this one is the worst of all time.

This statement has several different meanings:

  • You have made a significant error in believing that you are intelligent, good-looking, or charming enoughtodate me.
  • You should look for women that you have a better chance with…namely women who are ugly, love-starved,and extremely desperate.
  • You need to lower your standards in your search for love and affection.After looking in the mirror, you will understand why.
  • I want somebody who is more manly and exciting than you.
  • I’m flattered that you are attracted to me,andI cherish the painful rejection that you areexperiencing right now because it confirms that I am a beautiful princess. I will take your broken heart and place it on the mantel above my fireplace right before I receive the best fucking of my life from somebody who is far more desirable than you are.

Somebody once said this to me about 15 years ago. Guess where all the special women are? THEY ARE MARRIED! They are married, and they all have ugly, useless children. This statement is basically a death sentence. If a woman tells you this, then the hammer has dropped, and you are going to the electric chair. GAME OVER!

10. "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

You probably want nothing more than to meet the person of your dreams, fall deeply in love, and spend the rest of your life in a relationship that is defined by warmth, affection, passion, and endless romance. Well, that’s not going to happen. You have a better chance of being demonically possessed by a two-headed leprechaun with an upside-down cock. (At this point, you may be asking yourself why the author of this article is so bitter and full of uncontrollable, thinly-veiled rage. I have a good answer for that. "Fuck you!" that’s why.)

You will never find true happiness. You will, however, get the opportunity to be rejected by someone you sincerely desire. They will fall in love with someone else, and you’ll end up watching them walk away happily together toward the sunset as grueling pain, excruciating torment, and horrible agony crush what remains of your pathetic and dying heart. If this isn’t bad enough, you will probably also get the opportunity to see them both in a picture together. Perhaps it will be a wedding photo. Being stabbed repeatedly by a flaming sword from Hell would feel much better than the wretched anguish that will wash over your soul when you see the person of your dreams smiling happily while being held closely by someone else. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if you are a man, having a burning needle shoved into your penis hole would be more desirable than giving your heart to a woman who is only going to fall in love with someone else.

People often like to quote the famous saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I don’t agree with this statement, and I have an extremely well-constructed, thoroughly defined, highly advanced, logic-based, and undeniably persuasive reason why. I disagree with this philosophical life lesson because it is nothing more than a bunch of stupid, poopy, nonsense, and only a brainless penis-face would believe that it is true. And if you’ve made it this far into the article, then you are definitely an intelligent person and not a penis-face. Therefore, I’m guessing that you agree with me.

People like to quote famous sayings because they think it makes them intelligent. It doesn’t. It makes them assholes. Watching the person of your dreams fall for someone else is a very unpleasant experience, and it usually doesn’t lead to any form of enlightenment whatsoever. It just sucks. And when you start to think that things couldn’t possibly get any shittier than they already are, another very delightful thing will happen at this point in time. Someone you are not attracted to and have no desire to be with will begin aggressively seeking your affection.

"Why do things like this happen?" you ask yourself as you struggle to find a reason to get out of bed every morning and keep living. "Do these things happen for a reason?" you ponder as you swallow the last drop of whiskey from your bottle while trying to decide whether or not you should throw yourself in front of the elementary school bus that conveniently goes through the section of town where you live.

The answer is "YES"…these things do happen for a reason. These things happen because God doesn’t love you. In other words, God actually has something in common with the person of your dreams.

The Ten Commandments of Social Media Status Updates

Article by Jerry Landry

Twitter chalk drawing in black and white

1. Share Unto Others as They Would Share Unto You

The world we see is the world we share. Did you climb a lesser-known mountain peak? Share it. Did you find a humorous, but really "down-to-earth" article? Share it. Do you have crude footage from a live concert? Share that shit! If we don’t see it from you, then there’s only a 99.64% chance that we’ll see anything like it from someone else!

2. Thou Shalt Opine Politically

Are you a Conservative? Then let those idiot Libtards know how stupid their facts are! Do you consider yourself a Liberal? Then pummel me with your popular opinion! Whether you drive an efficient vehicle or a street-legal Panzer, whether you think the Bible is a book of nonfiction or an epic tale of fantasy, or whether you’re motivated by fear of an agenda or faith in humanity, let your superficially informed stance be heard!

God holding the Ten Commandments of Social Media in stone3. Thou Shalt Disguise Narcissism with Humility

Learn to implement the "humble brag." Here are a few generic good ones:

  • "Can’t believe a dummy like me is getting his MBA today."
  • "Unbelievable, not even wearing make-up and this creeper still tried to get my number!"
  • "Can’t believe I’m in first class with Neil deGrasse Tyson. I guess he enjoys traveling to Thailand too… #AMAZEBALLS!"

If you can’t quite nail the humble brag, just boast instead. Either method is a surefire way to get a shitload of likes.

4. Your Significant Other Shall be Exalted

Your wife/S.O. is the most beautiful person on Earth. But not unless you prove it by posting at the top of your lungs. You need to get this message out so your significant other knows they’re appreciated, and this is because true romance requires many witnesses. Don’t empathize with the people who aren’t as ostensibly lucky as you, have zero wives, or just a really ugly one—this is YOUR exclamation. This is also YOUR shot to show YOUR partner how humbly dedicated you are to them. Even if your friends say the same exact things about their S.O.’s, this is NOT a paradox.

If you’re running low on ideas, and haven’t posted a status in quite a few hours, try to utilize any of these powerful adjectives: Amazing, Lovely, Hard-working, Unbelievable, Hilarious, Thoughtful, or "very Hillary Clinton-y."

5. Thou Shalt Follow on Fridays

It’s called "Follow Friday" for many good reasons. Okay… it’s just called "Follow Friday" for one debatably decent reason. And that’s to accrue followers. Contrary to correct belief, you don’t get followers through good, thought-provoking, or hilarious content. You get them by cyber-badgering your prospects until they’re socially punch-drunk, and give you a follow before they realize how hard they just got mind-roofied.

6. Thou Shalt Give Frequent Updates on Thou Gestation

It doesn’t matter if you’re recently pregnant, 2 months pregnant, or dilated past 10mm and about to burst from your vagina—you gotta post those pics! Because you know what’s even cuter than a newborn baby? A grainy ultrasound photo!

7. Thou Shalt Praise Humanity

If you see something that warms your heart, let it warm others’. Your true personality is never more evident than in the ideal things you choose to share. Enlighten us with all of your clever finds. Make us want to see that someone else is making a difference in this world so we can get back to Candy Crush.

8. Thou Shalt Pose as an Expert

Just because they can see your expertise in the "About" section does not mean it’s highly visible. You must let people know how smart and pretentious you can really be. Respond to status updates like a battering ram, and don’t let any dissenters off the hook. If they have you cornered, counteract with hyperbole. If they’re still getting the upper hand, pretend to not listen to their point, and instead reiterate yours in every permutation possible.

Then, after a few more jabs, finish them off with "Let’s agree to disagree." This is how you win. Because the only way to be wrong is to not sound right.

9. Thou Shalt Photograph Cuisine

Now that Facebook owns Instagram, you only have to do half the work! Maybe now you’ll have more time to eat that awesome panini you emphasized in a vignette. Maybe this time you’ll be able to eat it while it’s still palatable… unless you get a few likes right away. Because then you have to check those… no matter what you’re doing… or who you’re talking to.

10. Thou Shalt Be Cryptic

Since nobody knows your problems quite like you do, don’t give them the information necessary to solve them. This is the golden rule of Facebook. When the poop hits the blades, let your online support group attempt to decipher your strife. Using obscure clichés such as "Murphy’s law" or "I guess it could be worse," or "It’s always darkest before the dawn," or some other threadbare saying is the best way to truly vent. I mean, just because you’re mourning doesn’t mean you have to be boring. AMIRIGHT?

So give us some intrigue (and maybe a hashtag), you Facebook Diva, you.