Steal These Tweets: America the Absurd

Column by Jeff Gassen

Katy Perry wearing an American flag dress

Click on any text to retweet it.

Feel the freedom of mediocre life, questionable liberty, and the "are-we-there-yet" pursuit of happiness, with justice for some.

  1. Holding the door open for a woman is a gesture by which men show they respect women by reminding them that they couldn’t handle even the simplest tasks without a man.
  2. It is illegal to read a text message while driving because of the danger, but it makes your child safer if someone is reading your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker while driving.
  3. If you do a drug without corporate sponsorship, like heroin or crack, you are a "junkie" or an "addict." If you do a drug with corporate sponsorship, like Percocet, you are a "Brett Favre" or a "Rush Limbaugh."
  4. "Don’t judge a book by what the fuck is a book?" -Kids today
  5. Arguably the most famous superhero in America, Superman hides his identity by pretending he has astigmatism.
  6. USA flag made out of bacon

  7. Nothing says "I care that you care that I care about not caring" like designer sweatpants.
  8. Fruit now tastes just like real fruit snacks.
  9. The only unbelievable thing left is that people still think they have something to tell you that you won’t believe.
  10. You can’t even point a gun at someone in public without the fear of being knocked out by a random teenager anymore.
  11. Jesus died for our sins so that we could praise him with bejeweled crosses on the ass of $100 faded jeans.
  12. Taylor Swift has accumulated a $200 million net worth while we’ve had the pleasure of watching her blossom from a poor, naive teenager full of angst, into a rich, naive teenager full of angst.
  13. Parents and children go through 18-year cycles of one kicking the other out of their houses.
  14. People can call me a "cracker," but I can’t use the "N" word without someone saying, "Sir, we don’t have Neopolitan, just vanilla or chocolate."
  15. Millions read magazines that show candid photos of celebrities, proving that they’re just like regular people, but with mansions. And jet packs. And immortality. And they don’t go to jail.
  16. "You’re in OUR country, at least speak English!" yells a man in a language not indigenous to his continent.
  17. "Cinderella Man" was the most disappointing gay porn that has come out in years.
  18. Members of the Christian Right fearlessly prevent the termination of unwanted pregnancies by preventing the availability of a substance that prevents unwanted pregnancies.
  19. America accounts for just 5% of the world’s population, but 25% of its prisoners. In other words, we rehabilitate their antisocial behavior by isolating them from socializing.
  20. A baby holding a weapon is the official mascot for Valentine’s Day, as well as the NRA’s next pitch, called the "Stand Your Playground" law.
  21. "Extreme Weight Loss" is a television show on ABC that inspires millions of people to lose weight while remaining sedentary on the couch for an extended period of time to watch it.
  22. "The Real Housewives of Orange County" is a show about real housewives from California, watched by real housewives from everywhere else.
  23. At age 5 we are taught to share our toys. At age 25 we are taught sharing is socialism.
  24. Anonymous is a hacktivist group that makes you feel better about the government violating your privacy with the slogan, ”We’re always watching.”
  25. Before the internet, people actually had to look like what they look like.
  26. You are taught to never take candy from strangers, unless you are wandering innocently in costume from house to house like a sitting duck.
  27. Jesus told Zaccheus to come down from the sycamore tree and not give half of his possessions to the poor because it enables them and creates a culture of dependency.
  28. "Maury" is a show that teaches us that people with blurry faces make terrible boyfriends/girlfriends.
  29. You didn’t give it up for Lent until every single one of your Facebook friends knows about it.
  30. We’re considered weak because we haven’t bombed anyone in a while, not because we all held our breath when Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars.
  31. The best paid occupation is pretending that you’re not pretending to be someone else on camera.
  32. On any phone, you can dial "0" for the operator, or literally any other combination of numbers for the NSA.
  33. People today talk in bigger fucking hyperboles than any other time in recorded history, possibly even before that.
  34. At the Golden Corral buffet, every child under 10 must be accompanied by a mother under 17.
  35. Religious persecution in the rest of the world: death. Religious persecution in America: "Happy Holidays."
  36. Kim Kardashian’s first marriage tragically ended after 72 days because the institution was corrupted by gay couples.
  37. The key to life is being a 22-year-old girl on Facebook with the search for "inspirational quotes" favorited in her browser.
  38. Notable followers of Christianity have begun to accept evolution and concede that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive impact from a comet or meteorite… sent by God to kill them for having sex before marriage.
  39. My thoughts and prayers go to victims of natural disasters. My time and money go to seeing what Kanye ate for breakfast.
  40. Cul-de-sacs are places where people live so that they don’t accidentally turn into cul-de-sacs.
  41. According to commercials, we all have a bright future of grimacing in general pain and talking about our colons when we get older.
  42. If you don’t have your ID on you and get carded buying cigarettes at the gas station, just show them your concealed weapon to prove you’re of age.
  43. People who get resources from their parents call giving resources to people who did not get resources from their parents, "entitlements."
  44. The government has no right to impede on my right to impedge on the rights of anyone else.
  45. 780 million people in the world don’t have access to clean water. 316 million in America flavor their drinks because they don’t want access to clean water.
  46. "And go and make disciples of all men, by either tackling them or running from those looking to tackle you, then pointing at me in the endzone." -GOD
  47. Every fall season, there are 26 new "#1 TV dramas."
  48. People complain about money corrupting our politics, but nobody charters a jet, rents a Mercedes upon landing, and puts on their Armani suit to go to Capitol Hill and protest.
  49. The best way to not see a ghost is to watch a professional ghost hunting show.
  50. Non-conformists are a group of people who conform to not conform to groups of people.
  51. In the Boy Scouts, you hang around exclusively with men, wear scarves and matching uniforms, hold hands and sing songs, and are given jewelry as you advance in rank. In the NFL, you hang around naked men in the locker room, after which a group of black men gang tackle a white protagonist while he grabs an oblong object from between the legs of another man bending over in front of him. You absolutely cannot be homosexual if you want to do those things correctly.

Don’t Blame Me, I’m Just the Manager at This Olive Garden

Column by Charlie Mihelich

Olive Garden billboard at night

Hey everybody, gather ‘round. Rough day today, guys. Roughhhh day. You all really stepped up during the dinner rush, and we got through it. Go us! I think I can speak for all of us when I say "No more minestrone soup!" am I right? It’s fun sharing a joke with you guys. We’re all in this together.

Alright, time for the evening announcements. This is being passed down from corporate, so hey, don’t shoot the messenger!

I don’t want you to think there’s some sort of barrier between you and me. I’m the manager, sure, but I’m also a person. It looks like, from now on, let’s see here…we’re going to be pooling tips. I know, I know. Hey, look, Karen, this isn’t coming from me, remember? It’s just my job to read ‘em. Remember "No more minestrone soup!"? Remember how we laughed? I wouldn’t make you pool your tips if it were up to me. Sometimes, though, when you run food out to a table or you refill a table’s drinks and then the person who took the order gets the whole tip, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it? Seems a little unfair. In those situations, maybe it makes sense to split them up?

No, I’m totally not saying I agree with it. Not at all. I mean, I guess I’m not paid to think, that’s just how I’d do it if it were up to me. But it’s not up to me. Remember that.

Olive Garden servers

Next, looks like there is an update to the company issued uniform. The old uniforms may no longer be worn, and you’ll be issued new ones before the start of your next shift. The cost will be deducted from your next paycheck. Yeah, yeah, it sucks, I know! I feel like we just changed the uniforms a couple months ago. Seems like it, anyway.

Hey, Zach, you look mad. Are you mad? You’re not mad at me, are you? Because you know I’m not the guy who changed the uniform policy. God, if only that were within my power. I’d let you guys wear whatever you want. Well, within reason. I mean, I kind of get the whole uniform thing, because it looks kind of sharp to have everyone wearing the same thing, but as long as you guys had, say, a white button down shirt and black pants, it wouldn’t really matter to me where you got them! I feel like I’d be pretty sensible in my decision making.

But again, not my call. All I can say is "No more minestrone soup!" Sigh.

Next, well, oh boy, you’re not going to like this one. Corporate, and I emphasize corporate, has decided to open the restaurant on Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and all employees will be required to work. No exceptions. Man, that really sucks. Where do they get off?

Courtney, c’mon. I have to be here, too. This isn’t coming from me, I’m just the one saying it. I feel like that’s the part that’s not getting through to everyone. One minute I feel like we’re cool and I can hang with you guys, and the next it’s like you guys don’t like me and you’re pissed at me for all these decisions I have no control over! You guys like me, right? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Just know that I like you. I like you guys a lot.

You think I want you guys to have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Man, if it were my call, I’d let you have any day you want off! I mean, as long as all shifts have coverage, and it wasn’t like, excessive, I’d be totally cool with all that. Just as long as you didn’t take advantage and people weren’t, like, never here. Within reason, though, no prob! And holidays, man, it’s like, duh. They’d be just like any other day. As long as we have the coverage. No, I’m not saying my restaurant would be open on Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’m just saying that IF it were open on Thanksgiving and Christmas…you know what? It’s a hypothetical, ok?

Why’s everyone freaking out on me? I have literally no control over this, so I shouldn’t have said anything. Other than the part corporate required me to say. I had to say that part. You guys know I had to say that part.

Look, I’m just going to level with you. I don’t want you to think there’s some sort of barrier between you and me. I’m the manager, sure, but I’m also a person. I know you’ve all gotten pretty close and you meet up after work at Darren’s house to party and all that. Oh yes you do, Sean, don’t lie to me. Don’t lie to my face. I hear you talking about it literally every shift. But every time I ask what everyone is up to after work, it’s like, "Oh, just going home," or, "Oh, just gonna watch some Netflix." Why don’t you want me to come? You think I’m some kind of narc? I can hang. I’m down for whatever, and I can get just as weird as the rest of you. What happens at Darren’s house stays at Darren’s house, am I right? I mean, as long as what you guys are doing doesn’t violate Olive Garden’s drug and alcohol policy, we’re cool.

Oh, c’mon. I’M A MANDATED REPORTER, GUYS. I HAVE TO REPORT IT! I could lose my job for not reporting it! Believe me, if it were up to me, I’d be cool with everything. I mean, I AM cool with everything! It’s just, there’s a manager-subordinate relationship there, and those boundaries have to be respected. No, yeah, I know I just said there weren’t any barriers. No, I don’t think I’m better than you. I don’t know what I’m saying. Believe me, you guys are cooler than I’ll ever hope to be. I’m just the manager.

Honestly, I wish to God I wasn’t the manager. Just for one day to be with you guys. Today, when we were just crushed with customers, and I had to jump out there and get my elbows dirty in the trenches with you all, I’m telling you I felt alive, truly alive for the first time. You’re all very, very lucky to be servers here.

No, Nick, I will not go fuck myself. That’s a pretty hurtful thing to say.

Alright, one last announcement to get through, guys, and then those that don’t have any side work left can get out of here after they do one last sweep.

Due to surging popularity, we will be doubling up the amount of minestrone soup we cook up during the day. Looks like there’s going to be more minestrone soup, guys. Much more minestrone soup. Well, I guess that joke is officially dead, and in a perfect world, I would be too. Really push the wheat pasta, guys, c’mon.